Dark Lords
Feb. 19th, 2010 01:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mojocattNow if you are going to compare fictional evil lords, Satan is actully fairly low on the list in my opinion. He is mostly a trickser, a malcontent, on par with Loki. More of a folk villain than a image of pure of evil. A foe to God (yet weak enough that he will never be able to win).
Here he can be seen a resonable business man, with what appears to be a priests collar around his neck.
He is also a great catchall for everything might offend ones sensibilities. Such as this LJ post, clearly influenced by Satan himself.
He's that guy that all those other religons, besides yours, hangs around with. Many otherwise level headed Christians contend the influence of Satan can most easily been seen during Pagan festivities, such in this image of pure evil.
I'm sure later they plan on licking copious amounts of cat anus smeared in fat from roasted babies.
Jesus, when is lunch time anyways? Getting hungry.
But yeah, as fictional dark lords go, Satan is kind of so-so. So let's take a look at some other dark lords who have been put to paper and how they kick Satan's ass. Feel Free to submit additional dark lords into the comments section.
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Cthulhu.
Hideous appearance, gargantuan size, and the terror and madness that it evokes. Sometimes Dread Cthulhu. "thing cannot be described", "the green, sticky spawn of the stars", "flabby claws", "awful squid-head with writhing feelers", "a mountain walked or stumbled". He'll eat your ass for breakfast, and by that point you'll think that's fucking awesome and thank him for it. Now that's evil.
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Morgoth
Obviously my favorite.
I mean just look at that. Iron crown, glowing red eyes, skull belt buckle, wielded Grond, the Hammer of the Underworld, covered black armor and is by far the most powerful of the "gods" in that world. Fuck with him and he has been known to chain your ass to a stone seat on a mountain side and force you to watch as he fucks over and kills everyone and everything you hold dear. You are unable to escape, you are unable to look away, you are unable to die. You will be there for many many years.
And big, poiny, sharp teeth.
Wickedness at it's finest.
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Doctor Evil
Closely resembles Mike Myers, how bizzare.
Has insidious plot to unlesh a plan called The Alan Parsons Project on the world.
"There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it's breathtaking... I suggest you try it."
Pure evil.
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Sith Lord, Darth Vader
Maybe not a true dark lord, more corrupted into the image of a dark lord. A very angry person. Vader oppresses an entire galaxy, with hundreds, if not thousands of planets, trillions of citizens. He needs little more than terror, the force and light saber to do it.
Although not pure evil, would cut Satan's ass in two.
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Sith Lord Darth Cheney
Known lurker, collects man size safes. Cheney oppresses an entire planet, billions of citizens. He needs little more than terror, the force and shotgun to do it.
"I hads a dark dominion over the earth, but I losts it!"
Lord Cheney's best buddies.
Evil.
Credit to Peter's Evil Overlord List.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Here he can be seen a resonable business man, with what appears to be a priests collar around his neck.
He is also a great catchall for everything might offend ones sensibilities. Such as this LJ post, clearly influenced by Satan himself.
He's that guy that all those other religons, besides yours, hangs around with. Many otherwise level headed Christians contend the influence of Satan can most easily been seen during Pagan festivities, such in this image of pure evil.
I'm sure later they plan on licking copious amounts of cat anus smeared in fat from roasted babies.
Jesus, when is lunch time anyways? Getting hungry.
But yeah, as fictional dark lords go, Satan is kind of so-so. So let's take a look at some other dark lords who have been put to paper and how they kick Satan's ass. Feel Free to submit additional dark lords into the comments section.
--------------------------------------
Cthulhu.
Hideous appearance, gargantuan size, and the terror and madness that it evokes. Sometimes Dread Cthulhu. "thing cannot be described", "the green, sticky spawn of the stars", "flabby claws", "awful squid-head with writhing feelers", "a mountain walked or stumbled". He'll eat your ass for breakfast, and by that point you'll think that's fucking awesome and thank him for it. Now that's evil.
--------------------------------------
Morgoth
Obviously my favorite.
I mean just look at that. Iron crown, glowing red eyes, skull belt buckle, wielded Grond, the Hammer of the Underworld, covered black armor and is by far the most powerful of the "gods" in that world. Fuck with him and he has been known to chain your ass to a stone seat on a mountain side and force you to watch as he fucks over and kills everyone and everything you hold dear. You are unable to escape, you are unable to look away, you are unable to die. You will be there for many many years.
And big, poiny, sharp teeth.
Wickedness at it's finest.
--------------------------------------
Doctor Evil
Closely resembles Mike Myers, how bizzare.
Has insidious plot to unlesh a plan called The Alan Parsons Project on the world.
"There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it's breathtaking... I suggest you try it."
Pure evil.
--------------------------------------
Sith Lord, Darth Vader
Maybe not a true dark lord, more corrupted into the image of a dark lord. A very angry person. Vader oppresses an entire galaxy, with hundreds, if not thousands of planets, trillions of citizens. He needs little more than terror, the force and light saber to do it.
Although not pure evil, would cut Satan's ass in two.
--------------------------------------
Sith Lord Darth Cheney
Known lurker, collects man size safes. Cheney oppresses an entire planet, billions of citizens. He needs little more than terror, the force and shotgun to do it.
"I hads a dark dominion over the earth, but I losts it!"
Lord Cheney's best buddies.
Evil.
Credit to Peter's Evil Overlord List.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
